Just Friends

Well, I did call him. And I found out what he thought of me. It turns out, he thinks Im pretty, but he only likes me as a friend and dosnt want to date anybody right now. Yeah right, I have used that one before. I dont get it though. How do you think someone is good looking, but you dont want to date them? I dont really get it. He is always saying he barley knows me and stuff. I guess hes the type of person that requires a very close relationship in able to feel anything for them. I understand that. I used to be like that, before I started realizing that I wanted companionship in a guy. I used to be really picky, but I am working on it. I also have a feeling that it has a lot to do with what happened before with him and this girl. He told me once a girl decided to go out with CJ, broke up with him, went out with AJ, then dumped him and went out with CJ again. I can see why he might be cautious about me, being that I did like CJ a little and gave him that frigan note. If I knew about AJ before CJ, I would have given that note to him instead. I really did mess up by liking CJ. Big time.

I dont know if I should show up at church on hump day or not. It wouldnt really be to see him, it would just be to see all of my friends and talk to them. Also to test the waters and see if he sits next to me again.

The phone convo. was awkward. Very awkward. I asked him if he knew that I liked him and he said that somebody told him when I asked for his number. I told him I didnt really ask for it, my friend just kinda got it to try and make me feel better. That might have hurt his feelings, but I was already kinda hurting because he told me he only liked me as a friend. I also asked him why he didnt ever talk to me much and he said he dosnt talk much to people he barley knows. Well, that kinda offended me cause I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET TO KNOW HIM FOR A FLIPPIN MONTH. He hung up, saying he had to go and he would see me later. I had a bit of trouble getting over the disapointment, thinking he would actually be the guy that would be different in a school of morons. Its painful, getting over someone you truly liked, but I will get over it. I guess I got my hopes up a little too high.

Oh Monday I will talk to him and ask him if he still wants me to come to church. I know that kinda corners him, forcing him to say yes. He will say somthing like "You dont have to if you dont want to." which generally means: "You dont have to, I dont care at all. I wont even talk to you if you come, so why bother?!" But Im gonna be real about it. I like to be honest with people, and I really like to tell them my true feelings. Im gonna show him that what he said didnt bother me at all (even though it did) and there are no hard feelings (even though there are).

Its kinda a relief though. That I dont have to dress to kill every day. That I dont have to worry about maintaining a relationship. That I can talk to any guy I want to and not have to worry about him getting jelous. That I can be myself and not so darn self-conscious. Its nice, but the painful ache in my heart isnt.

A New Reason

Well its been a while since I last updated. So, things are a little different. I now have a new reason to like to go to school:
a guy. To protect his identity, lets call him...AJ. His twin I guess would be CJ.

Its a very long, complicated kind of story...full of ups and downs.
This guy that I happen to like has a twin and I had a small crush on his twin brother before I knew him. One fine day I decided to do something entirly stupid and give CJ a heart felt note on how I thought CJ was cool and how I would like to get to know him. I was so nervous...I had never really done something like that before. So I waited...and waited...and he never wrote back. That kinda hurt, being that I actually put some feeling into that note. I got over it in a few days and decided to deam CJ a jerk. One of my guy friends saw my problem and decided to get his twin brothers (AJs) number for me randomly on a Friday. He gave it to me and I thought "What the hell. His brother is probably a cool person." So I called him and we had a nice game of phone tag before I could actually talk to him. That following Monday I heard from that same friend that got AJ's number for me that this guy was planning on inviting me to his church. I was dumb-struck. Church?! I have been to church, and its defidnelty not the funnest thing in the world. I just went with it though. I came up to AJ and asked him about it and he explained that he wanted me to come because we didnt have any classes together and wanted to get to know me. After that, AJ would randomly would say hi to me in the hall way and we had some phone conversations that seemed awkward cause the guy just didnt seem to talk much.

A week later I decided to take him up on the church offer and he explained to me were this church was. I went and I ended up having a pretty good time. I knew a lot of people from my school and I got to sit next to AJ, whom I had taken a liking to. He seemed very fidgety and ( I think) purposley bumped my arm with his. He quickly apologized for it. I thought that was funny...

So things were going good. I begn to really start taking an interest in AJ who is totally different then his twin. I regret even liking that other boy...all that stinkin note did was screw up my chances of AJ even wanting to give me a chance. I wanted to ask him for it and burn it! ARGH! I kicked myself for days...if anything, I wish I would have known the nice twin so I could have givin the note to the right guy.

AJ would always wave and say "Hey." in the hallway when I saw him. One Tuesday he asked me "So are you coming on wedseday?" and I asked him if he wanted me to come. He paused a second, then said yeah. So I went again to church with him and ended up having a better time then the last time I went. He acts totally different outside of school. He came right up to me and said "Whats Up?" and asked me if I wanted to watch him and his friends play BB. I tagged along, and his brother (CJ) was all spazzy-like, flying all over the pavement with the basketball, while AJ just dribbled the ball around and shot from random angles. I didnt want to watch him because I knew I would end up catching CJ's eye instead. By this time I had a strong loathing for this boy. Also, I didnt want to make AJ more nervous to know that I was watching him play his fav sport. I was also busy dodging sticks that my brother was chucking at me for no reason. Pretty soon me and my friends went inside to ditch my annoying brother and I chatted for a bit till the guys entered the room. AJ came up to me and asked me were I was sitting. I didnt know exactly were, so I just pointed to were my stuff was. I chatted for a bit more and he just hung around in my general "circle of space." When the priest came in, he sat in front of me. We sat and listened to everybody make prayer requests, and AJ's friend sitting next to him looked at me, tapped AJ on the shoulder, whispered something to him, then AJ turned and gave me this lazy-eyed smile. I got suspicious and asked what they were talking about. AJ just said "Aw nothing, my friend here is just acting stupid."
The time passed quickly, and before I knew it we were all rushing out the door. AJ seemed to wait for me amongst the crowd, and I left the room before he did. I waited for my friends to catch up, then I saw him walking by his lonesome, so I thought I would go and try to talk to him again. I told him how I thought my brother was an idiot and how he had managed to give me a black eye with a stick he threw at me. Once again, AJ clamed up! GAH! He just shuts up when hes around me. I have seen him before when he is with his friends. Hes all loud, laughing, generally being himself. But when he is with me... he never says anything and acts really shy. He asked me were my mom was and I didnt know cause I didnt see her car. He saw his friends mom and ran to talk to her for some reason. I ran away cause my brother had managed to steal somebodies bike and was very close to running me over with it. I ran and waited on the church front steps and waited for AJ to catch up, but my brother and his friend came up so I just stuck with them. I watched as a big silver truck pulled up and AJ walked up to it. He opened the door and I swear I heard him shout "seeya!" but I was busy talking to some people and I just looked at him. He seemed to dawdle at the door, then he looked in my direction like he was hurt that I didnt say something back. He got in and the thing drove away. My brother and his friend decided to chase me up the huge church steps, so I ran up them and watched the truck drive away. With it, I felt this tug at my heart...way deep inside...like something important was driving away. It was a strange sensation...like longing or something. I disregarded it though. When my mom came to pick me up, I was giddy cause I was positive that he liked me.

A few days later, me and my friend were going to go to the movies and I thought I would invite AJ along. I was nervous about this "move", but I called him anyway. I asked him and he said he would talk to his dad about it to see if he could come. I also randomly thanked him for inviting me to his church...that honestly it was the funnest time I have ever had at a church. His tone of voice changed to a really soft tone and he said "your welcome." I said by to him and afterwards I felt like an idiot. I didnt know why, I just felt like a rambling moron. I felt like what I said was really stupid and corny. My friend ended up not being able to come to the movies anyway. The next day, I asked AJ if he could come and he said he had a big baseball tournament going on. The next few days he gradually stopped saying hi to me in the hall, and instead just looked down at his feet when he saw me coming. I felt hurt, but I reminded myself that that is what I do to him sometimes...when I see him coming, I look in the opposite direction or down at the floor like I dont notice him.
Okay, so now that you know the whole fiasco backround story...

Today he did the same thing again. He has stopped saying hi in the hallway. I recognized his body type and I looked down when I saw him approaching. I tried to catch a glimpse of him in the hallway, but I always see CJ instead. My heart kinda drops when that happens cause I really do like to see him during the day. Lately I have taken to waiting for him till he gets to his locker. While he gets his stuff, I just wait in silence. I know if I try to talk, he will just give me a simple asnwer unless its a direct question. Otherwise, he never says much. Really quiet. My friend walked off and went to talk to some people down the hall, so I was left with only him. I walked next to his side in silence, not really knowing what to say. Wanting to distance myself from him, I slowed my pace and walked about 6 ft behind him. He noticed I wasnt there anymore and he looked to his side, then looked behind him, kinda double taking. He saw me looking at him and turned around. My friend was in a cluster of random people gathering around one of child-developments new baby dolls that you have to carry around for a day. AJ went up and playfully shoved some guys in the back, acting all buddy-buddy like. I walked with my friend. AJ put his arm around one of his friends and they started shoving eachother as we were all walking up the stairs. I didnt want to stare, but I couldnt help but notice how rough they were being. His buddy shoved AJ hard into the stair railing that separated us. He walked off with his bud and I walked with my friends till we came to the exit of the school. AJ has always had the habit of holding the doors open for people, and he let his friends go and let me and my friends go. When I pass, he always closes the door. His friends left, and AJ was just stuck with me and my friends. He walked with us in silence as I talked about this new phone that I thought was the coolest thing. He walked off to his bus and turned around and said "seeya, guys." I went to my separate group of friends and waited for the busses to come when I felt like there was something missing. That same stupid tugging feeling on my heart, but this time shadowed with a little saddness. I chatted with my friends and we always have a fun time. One of my guy friends radomly put me in a headlock and I was sure AJ saw it. I always get the feeling that he is watching me when I wait for the busses. When my bus came, I walked to it. I felt like I was being watched... and right as I stepped on the buss, I turned my head to the right a little so I could catch a glimpse of him. I saw him standing in clear view, talking to his friends, or at least trying to act like it. He did that same little head turn in my direction, like he was trying to get a glimpse of me too as I walked on the bus. I tried to see him as my buss drove away to make sure that was him, but we were already too far from the school to make him out clearly.



....WHEW! That took a lot of typing! Im glad Im through with that long story. I tried to get all the best hints and clues down... oh yeah! I forgot! A few days ago, I heard from two differnt people who know him who know me who know about our current "relationship" and he actually has been talking about me too. One of my guy friends asked him in PE one day how me and him were doing, if we were going out and he said (quote) " I think she is pretty and really sweet but I dont know." From two different dudes. I dont know if they just said that to mess with me and I wonder how long ago they asked AJ this and if he still does have some feelings for me. Well...tomarrow is Wendsday, the day that I usually go to church with him. Something good always happens between us there, and I thanked him for inviting me, so I guess he is expecting me to go or dosnt feel the need to ask. I guess I will just go, being that its a ton of fun anyway.



So thats my new reason...to enjoy my last few weeks of school, to give me something to look forward to seeing every day. I really do hate thinking about him all the time when I can almost be sure that he dosnt think about me as much. I just dont know...the signals from my instincts, body, mind and logic got screwed up long ago when I first discovered I liked him. @_@

I used to hate that school, but it really isnt that bad now. All I can do is pray that good stuff happens between us tomarrow and that he...might give me a flying chance. So. I will update tomarrow if anything happened. Im sorry if I got too into it, its just these feelings need to be let out somehow, and telling the whole drawn out story really makes me feel better. :P

Peh-san-keh!

Ok. Pysanky is just another word for Ukrainian eggs. These eggs are so beautiful...they have meanings, and the colors and symbols you line with wax have lots of meaning, mostly the symobols. Its a tradition steming from Poland, or around that area.
Ukrainian eggs are like easter eggs except a lot harder to do and require a lot of time, but it is time worth spent.


The intricate desings on the eggs are first drawn lightly on with pencil, then lined with wax and dyed a multiple amount of times, color overlaping color until you get the shade you like. The art of Pysanky requires special dye, not the type you would usuallly buy for dying easter eggs. You also need a special tool to put the wax on the egg, and that is called a Kitka or Kistky(plural). They look like this:
Pure beeswax is scooped into the little nozzle opening at the top, then held over a candle flame and melted. It then oozes out of the tiny nose part. You hold it like a pen, and you line the designs that were drawn on the egg with beeswax. Those you see in that picture are the more modernized kistky. They come in 3 forms: traditional, modernized traditional, or electric. The traditional modernized ones are best for beginners.
They also come in 3 nozzles sizes: fine, medium, and large. The smaller one is used for tiny designs on the eggs and the large one is used for filling in large sections. Medium is best for beginners.
That is just a little bit of info that I have learned in the past few days from the link to the website my mom sent me. Pysanky really is interesting. The designs you choose for your eggs dont have to be the traditional shapes--they can be anything you can come up with. Abstract, geometric random shapes, even a picture or somebodies name. So much possibilities! As you can see, some of the eggs I have seen have really inspired me. My mother decided to order the hard-to-find supplies online. I am praying that they will arrive here in time for Easter. She ordered the stuff from The Ukrainian Gift Shop. Here is the website she sent me through email that got me into Pysanky-->Learn Pysanky.com.

No Luck...

Well, me and my father went out searching for the supplies I need for the egg decorating. I swear, nobody even knows about this stuff! Went to Hobby Lobby and Micheales (or however you spell it) and they only had beeswax, and way over priced. I have searched all over town and cant find any stores specailizing in this stuff! Today I will just have to broden my search to Nashville. I wont stop till I find at least one store! When I want something, I am very persistant about it. My brother said I was obsessed! It is just a matter of getting what you want and need, no matter what.
Today is rainy...woke up and everything was soaked outside. They were not calling for heavy thunder storms till later on. Right now it is just warm, cloudy and spitting rain. I love thunder storms, I have no clue why. Maybe because they are so exciting.
I also found a new skin for my blog! Most of the cooler ones were in this odd language, so that sucked. I dont know how to change it to English. Gonna do research on it.
I might test with some other skins later, until I find the right one that suits me and is functional.

Midol and Ukrainian Eggs

Hmmm. My first post...gah I cant type well, my hands are shaking due to the Midols I just took. I was writhing in pain earlier from a bad cramp...took two of the suckers. The caffeine in them kills me!
Anyway, my mom found this link to a site about Pysanky (strange name, I know) and sent it to me via email. I took a look into it and I am now hooked into it. I cant wait to do my first egg! My whole family is going to do an Easter egg hunt this year in our new house and it should be fun. I will do simple designs for the hunt and more practiced, detailed designs to keep. I would like something to do to keep me busy for the rest of the my 2 week spring vacation. I already spent one week of my vacation on a cruise, so the rest should be spent wisley. Its already Tuesday! Argh!
I plan to go to Hobby Lobby or Micheals to get a Kistka (traditional or electric - my dad says he will make me one if we cant find any lol) pysanky dye, and pure bees wax for the eggs. I cant drive at the momment, so my dad will just have to take me. I really cant wait to decorate my first egg! I think I could make it into a good hobby, maybe sell a few.
My body dosnt do well with caffeine, having low blood sugar problems dosnt help much either.
*walks off to eat random snack*